My First Year
by huny

As instructed by my Master, i have written a piece about the past year in my life, the changes brought about by my submission in this Real time relationship. Our intention was to post it in SSS. However, due to the flaming that continues there, i am reluctant to spill something so personal out where ill-minded and mean spirited people lurk. i also do not wish to be challenged about my feelings or views. i am not an authority on anything or anyone but myself. But i do wish to share as does He. i love the conversation sparked by such revelations.


A year ago, a lifetime ago We placed our hearts in each other's hands and entrusted each other to care for, nurture, and heal the mangled organ we each held. Mine now only aches with love and passion and I look and see that Yours beats strong also. We did good, Master. We found the right One this time. We fit together walking.

A year ago, i knelt before You trembling as You fastened Your collar of gold around my neck. i had dreamt of this for a month of eternity. Only a mere 18 months earlier, i had no idea that this kind of relationship even existed. And only 30 days before Your collar graced my neck, i finally realized it could exist in flesh as well as on a keyboard. i knelt before You and i only remember saying that i didn't know how to pledge my submission to You because You already had naive i was then.

A year ago i thought being submissive to You was walking a pace behind You, looking away and not directly into Your face, keeping silent until spoken to, waiting on You and obeying Your commands, being spanked when I did wrong.

A year of training has taken place and a lifetime of learning.

i learned that You love for me to be at Your side, my little hand looped around Your strong arm, as we walk through public places together. If anything else, You sometimes have me walk ahead of You so You can watch my ass. Sometimes You have me reach for things to high or bend down and flash You and anyone else You care to show Your possession off to. i learned that You are proud to be seen with me. Submission is walking proudly at Your side.

i learned that You want to see my eyes, my green eyes, at all times if possible. You read my soul that way, You gauge my emotional state that way, my level of awareness, the depth of "huny." i learned that You feel respected when i look You in the eye. Submission is looking You squarely in the eye and sharing my soul with You.

i learned that You value my intelligence and seek my opinions on most everything including politics and religion even if we don't agree. i learned that You want to understand my views and my ways of thinking and that You want me to disagree with You if i do indeed disagree. i learned that You feel disrespected if there is something on my mind and i don't trust our love enough to voice it. Submission is communicating to You the things that ramble around in this head, and trusting You to never be angry at me for the way i think.

i learned that being a Master does not circumvent being a Gentleman. i learned that You want, no insist, that i wait for my doors to be opened by You. i learned that You want to help me on and off with my coat. i learned to wait for those things. It was hard, and many times i slipped. How many times did i jump out of the truck and realize, and jump back in, only to have You reopen my door, take my hand to help me out, turn me around, bend me over the seat and spank me for opening that door myself? Submission is having the patience and courage to sit and know that You will come and open my door.

i learned that obedience is the obvious part of submission. It is a given. Obey or be punished. But i also learned how to wait on You and serve You without waiting for Your directions. i know You love the little things and that those little things add up to be a big thing. i know You like Your coffee when You get up, all fixed with the right amount of sugar and milk. i know You like that i take Your cup in the restaurant and fix it before passing it back to You. I know that You love to have me sit on the floor in front of You and rub Your feet. I know that when we sleep You like to hug my back or have me hug Yours. i know that You want the kitchen above all other rooms to be neat and tidy. i know You want my little stool taken from the corner when i arrive and place next to Your chair, and put back in the corner when i have to leave. i know You love having me keep my little shoes right by the front door so that You can feel my presence even when we are apart. Submission means pleasing You without being told, more than wanting to, actually craving it.

i learned that i show my submission to You as much or more when we are apart than when we are together, that my demeanor and words and behavior outside of Your view reflects directly on my training. Submission means showing pride and respect through my actions at all times. Submission means feeling a warmth when I have done well. Submission means complete contrition when I have done wrong, not out of fear but out of a sense of disappointing You.

i learned that I don't always get spanked for doing things wrong. i learned that the corner can be a thrilling and humbling place. I learned that the switch is longed for in fantasy and dreaded in reality. I learned that being bad for the sake of trying to get a spanking backfires in two ways. First, You will not be topped from the bottom so the spanking, if one does happen, is NOT pleasurable and is the type I try very hard to avoid. Secondly, it hurts very bad to see the look of pain in Your eyes when You administer a punishment spanking. It is not what You enjoy doing. Submission is not manipulating You into doing something that i want. It is honesty. Asking for a spanking when i have the desire for one instead of bratting, not begging or pleading to get out of one I have earned. Submission is smiling inside when You spank me just because You like doing so, even when it is 3 am and I had been in a sound sleep.

i learned that there is a difference between a Dom and a Master. That a Master is exactly opposite of the societal stereotype of a tyrannical brutal bully. I learned that being a Master is an awesome undertaking. It requires a firm commitment, much more than with a vanilla relationship. You treat me like a treasure. You find and meet my every need, my deepest desires. You care for me like no other Man in my life, seeing to my comfort and discomfort. You will never leave me. You treat me softly, caressing my cheek with the back of Your hand. Your eyes dance when I smile. Your heart aches when I cry out to You during a punishment, or when I am just feeling sad. You make love WITH me, not TO me. You teach me about You and about myself, You help me face me fears and supposed limits and help me stretch them. You help me meet deadlines and foster a sense of responsibility. You watch my eyes and attend to the color and temperature of my hands and feet when bound, listen to the tone of my responses during training and play, assessing at all times where i am. You brush my hair, You choose the panties that will be touching Your treasured property all day. You have dedicated the rest of Your life to me, as i have to You. You make me aware of Your love and Your control 24 hours a day. How exhausting i must be, yet You don't show that. Submission is accepting all You give me, not wanting more, not worrying about less.

i have learned so many things in this one year, but my most valuable lesson is learning that there is a One-and-Only for me. This One-and-Only shares my kinks and my likes and dislikes. This One-and-Only allows for my fantasies to be fulfilled without compromising His own, allows His to be filled without compromising mine. This One-and-Only completes me. This One-and-Only wants a June Cleaver to His Ward Cleaver lifestyle with a kink on the side. Submission is having the warmest deepest and best of many relationships: Father/daughter, Master/slave, Lover/lover, Husband/wife, Teacher/student, and best of all and for me the most pleasantly surprising of all Friend/friend.




This essay is the property and copyright 1999 of huny all rights reserved. Please don't repost this or make it publicly accessible via FTP, mail server, or archive site without explicit permission. Permission is granted for one hard copy for personal use.