by Michelle

"You should never have agreed to be a god for me if you were afraid to assume the duties of a god, and we all know they aren't as tender as all that." - Pauline Reage

It was March of 1998 that I finally met C, who held the side of me that I called "my submissive side". He stood as "perfection" in my eyes... eyes that were blindfolded by all that I had created him to be.

I still learned more about myself in the year that we were "together" than I had previously, but as I found out, he never really did agree to be a god; I had simply appointed him. And it's easy now to look at the events and understand where my head was... and know the difference between what I had with him... and true submission.

True submission can only be found in the light of true Dominance. The kind of
person who will take time to make you understand Respect, humility, truth,
purity, love, and inner peace. Someone who accepts you for who you are, the
way you are, but will help you stay on the path of what is right.

Spending a year with C opened my mind and forced me to examine myself, but I know it was only preparing me to give true submission to the who could see all sides of me...the one who would teach me the true definition of Respect... and submission...

I wrote *Sides* when I came back from my first visit with C.


There's a difference between the dark and the light,
In the day, you may play, but it's a little too bright,
And no, I'm not talking about a light-switch,
There's something inside you that starts to unhitch
When the sun goes to sleep and the moon takes the stage,
I like how your body comes out of that cage,
and yes, I have seen it, it really is true,
when the nite is before us and the long day is through,
your tongue can make words that bite without warning,
yet, that doesn't explain why you beat me that morning...
the sun was awake and alive and you knew it,
and still you had it in you to get up and do it.

Perhaps I was wrong about the absence of light,
although I still say we think differently at nite.
I mean, how else to explain the change in your voice,
the tying, the fucking, leaving no choice.
When it's dark, there's a freedom, we can be who we are,
and yes, it was daylight while I held onto that bar.

Maybe you're different, the only exception,
maybe you've found a way to make the connection,
and let things happen in daylight, or nite,
this must be why every single thing felt so right.

I'll still stick to my view that the nite holds a power
it will trap us and press us on hour after hour,
but with you, I'll try to keep in mind
(as if, when I see you, my thoughts I can find)
that you can't be bound by the darkness or light,
that with you, it will happen when you figure it's right,
doesn't matter to you if the sun can see,
or if the moon plays charades with the galaxy.

Must be you never cared what time of day it would be,
must be you guessed there would still be things to do with me,
oh that's right, thousands of hundreds of ways
to fuck a woman over a period of days.
All of them deep inside your brain,
some like ice, some are hot, some include pain.

I think I will make it a point to remember,
considering that we have all this time, past December,
that there resides somewhere within you a beast,
a wild, enticing, untamed ferocity, at least.
And it pays no mind to the time of the day,
the light and the nite will not stand in it's way.

It's the kind of energy that I'm dying to touch,
and yet, at the same time, the fear is too much.
'Cause I've seen a glimspe of this lightening that you hold,
and I know that there's more, I've already been told.
I wish there was a way I could lock it away,
and keep it inside my chest to see everyday.

So many ways for you to be...
so many sides of your mind I wish to see.
I'm not worried that I wont get to see all of you,
we have time to experience all of these things we wish to do.
(You did say that once, and it calmed all my fears,
you told me there'd be time, together we have years.)

I still wonder when I wake up, who will I see
when I look in the mirror and stare back at me...
and because of your time that you've spent learning us,
I've come to know me, and I've come to know trust,
and I can't tell you enough how amazing this seems,
the lust and the passion, the friendship, the dreams,
the space that we've created, the place we exist,
I like it all, and wouldn't change this friendship with a twist.

I think most of all I enjoy being free,
knowing that you've always let me be me.
You've made me feel safe, and you've taken control,
you've set the boundaries that somehow make me feel whole,
and this is definitely the wildest of rides,
exploring, and looking at all of our sides.

Michelle - April 1998


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