Seri wrote the first story, If Wishes Were Horses, before she met L^....before everything she was so scared of, became reality. The second story, Stand By Me, documents what happened at Jojasa's party: the end of her fear, and the beginning of so much more.

all materials are (c) 2001 serijules@MailOps.com. please do not copy or link to this page without consent of the owner.
You may visit Seri at Seri's Erotic Spanking Writings.

This story is not a typical D/s or spanking story...in fact, there is not spanking in it, or even matter of a sexual nature. It is a true story, and written from my heart. I don't think many will understand what I'm saying in this story...but I wrote it for me, and I am sharing with you, my readers, because it is my way of sharing myself...the very, most intimate, self.

* * *

"Seri, is this what you want?"

I gripped the bars of the round pen and gazed at the scrawny Mustang filly calmly grazing on the other side of the steel panels. She was a dainty creature, a deep dapple gray with silvery points. Daddy stood next to me as he watched the horse, occasionally sneaking glances at me, perhaps judging my reaction, waiting for my answer.

We were adopting a wild Mustang from the Adopt a Wild Horse sale. $175 and an approved application and you could take home any wild horse on the sale. We had been wandering around for hours, looking at all the creatures. Most were starved of life; mean, boney and full of panic for having their freedom so suddenly and permanently taken. It was almost disheartening, but they would die out in the badlands, over breeding and grazing down the land until disease and famish stole what little life their freedom offered. At least in the program, they had a chance at survival.

"You will never be able to tame her little one. You understand that don't you?" Daddy asked softly.

I looked up into my Daddy's eyes and nodded. The panic in the air was thick, dust flying as the horses pawed and stomped and reared in their pens, seeking a way out, any way out, of this prison. The wild horses were not meant to be pets, or working livestock. Most were too old, too set in their ways to be turned into anything but penned up wild souls...but souls with a chance at a healthier and longer life.

Not my filly. She took the scene in stride, grazing the hay contentedly and ignoring Daddy and me. Ignoring the pawed frenzy of her herd mates in the adjourning pens. She was 2 years old, weaned from her mother for the first time since her birth, and had never seen a human being in her life. Yet she was unfazed. The gentle twitch of her tail and an occasional lift of her head and perk of her ears were the only indication that she held even an ounce of the panic that the rest of the herd reeked of.

The lot of domestic horses were being sold first, the livestock and kids horses that the monthly sale usually consisted of. That was why we had come, to find me a new horse. I had outgrown my previous mount; a wonderful old gelding that wouldn't hurt a fly as it wasn't worth the effort to move his tail. We had sold him to a family with a young boy, and he would make the perfect first horse for someone else. I needed more of a challenge now; I had grown in my riding ability and was seeking more, no longer content with what I had started out with.

"I want her Daddy. I can wait and get another horse to ride next year." I announced determinedly.

The filly snorted, the first sound she had made since we had walked up, and perked her ears. I held my hand out through the pen, hoping she would affirm my decision and come over, but she merely gazed at me with big black sparkling eyes, a hint of amusement twinkling through the ebony globes.

"I'm going to call her Jewel." I whispered, giving a name to my newfound challenge.

* * *

For my birthday one year, Daddy had gotten me a beautiful show halter. Soft, supple black leather with dozens of tiny crystals embedded in the noseband. Jewel had never had a halter or any kind of restraint on before, but she sniffed the leather curiously, nibbling on the band mischievously and tossed her head in indignation when I swatted her nose. If horses could giggle, Jewel would. She had been with me for about a year now, we had become fast friends. The 'wild' filly that we took home from the sale had adjusted to her new surroundings with ease. She was overly curious, sticking her nose and feet and head in anything that she could, opening gates with her teeth as easily as a human, and chewing up anything leather or cloth in site. Mischievous, full of energy and always willing to please, she had taken to humans easily much to the amazement of anyone that was told she was a wild adoptee.

She would come up and nuzzle me, nibbling on anything in my hand and let me pet her ears, her twinkling eyes looking at me playfully. I had been working for months to put the halter on her, but every time I would slide the leather over her nose, she would only let me get so far...teasingly let me attempt to buckle the silver clasps as my fingers trembled with excitement. She would suddenly toss her head and take off, the halter dropping to the dust as she raced around the pen, eyes wild and tail held high. It was the only time you could see the fear in her eyes, the confusion clouding her bratty curiosity. I would stand there with the halter in my hands, waiting for her to work out her aggravation in her frenzied run around the pasture. After awhile, she would slowly come back over, her curiosity once again getting the best of her. We would repeat the whole scene again until she finally tired of the game and leaped over the corral fencing, tearing off into the larger pasture behind. She wouldn't come in to the corral for days after our little game. No fence could keep her in; she leaped them as if they were logs. Yet she never tried to escape the boundary of our pastureland. It was if she knew that she belonged with me. Captive, yet free to leave any time her heart desired. Nothing was stopping her except her own free will.

Daddy said I would never tame her, I would never truly own her. I understood that you can't own a wild spirit, couldn't tame what was not meant to be tamed. Put a butterfly in a jar and it will die, even if it has everything it needs to survive. I had a bond with Jewel that amazed anyone that watched me with her. I was the only one that could pet her and she would follow me anywhere. If a stranger approached her, the twinkle faded from her dark eyes and her lips pursed in a quiet fury, her sleek body taunt and trembling. Sometimes she would let another lay a hand on her silky coat then suddenly take off, hooves pounding up dust as she disappeared into the horizon. On the surface, she was a gentle, affectionate animal, but the wild filly she was born to be was always just under the surface, lurking. I was afraid of that filly, of that side of her. Not afraid it would hurt me, but afraid it would dominate the sweet horse I had grown to love, and take her from me someday, overpowering her content submissiveness to me.

* * *

It was a gorgeous winter day, the day it finally happened. The sun was shining, but the air was icy cold. It has snowed the night before, so the ground was covered in a pure blanket of glittery virgin powder. Snowflakes clung to my lashes and my breath froze in the air as soon as it left my lips. I stood before Jewel, the leather and crystal halter clutched in my mittened hands. The ritual played out, a familiar scene that we both had participated in hundreds of times over the years. She nibbled on the halter, I swatted her nose playfully and she snorted, pawing the ground before me impatiently, as if to taunt "Come on, I dare you!"

I slipped the leather over her nose slowly, my other hand scratching her ears as I talked soothingly to her. This time, something changed. Jewel got perfectly still, her breath coming in steady puffs, visible in the morning chill. I almost stopped...something told me to stop, that this wasn't right, but I held my breath and continued. My hands didn't tremble this time as I reached for the silver buckles, slowly easing the clasp into the hole and buckling the halter snugly on her dainty head. I let my hands fall to my sides, gazing in disbelief at my wild filly. The halter fit perfectly, the crystals of the noseband catching in the winter sun and tossing rainbows into the frost. We stood there, a little girl and her wild, haltered filly, looking at each other. My heart was racing in my chest and I held my breath, waiting. For what, I wasn't sure, but I waited patiently, not moving a muscle. Jewel broke the trance first, suddenly letting out a high pitched whinny that startled me into taking a step back, letting my breath out with a gasp. I whispered a strangled "No..." as I realized what I was doing. Tears pricked my eyes as I watched her body tense; her eyes grew wild and her gaze left mine, peering off into the horizon anxiously with quivering nostrils.

She turned to me suddenly and nuzzled my cheek, her breath warm against mine, tears streaming down my face as she nickered softly, as if to tell me it was ok, this was how it had to be. I knew...I knew right then and there, that she was gone. No fence could keep her in; no amount of love for me could keep her tame. She was a wild filly, born free in the snow and she would die free in the snow. I reached for the clasp to unbuckle the halter, but she shook her head, rearing back suddenly with another loud whinny, twirling around and taking off through the snow, kicking up puffs of powder and leaving tracks behind her. She galloped for the fence and cleared it with ease, not missing a beat as she headed for the horizon, her whinny carrying across the stillness of the midmorning, until she was gone. I let my tears fall, fighting the feeling of betrayal and anger I felt, first at her, and then at myself. I had always known she could not be tamed, that no amount of love for me would make her something she was not. I did not regret trying, for the time I had had with her, could never be forgotten or regretted. She was free, as she was meant to be.

* * *

I ran my fingertips over the strip of black velvet leather, admiring the row of crystals daintily set in the collar. It held so much significance, so many memories, and so much to consider. I was His jewel, his wild little filly. Tears pricked my eyes as I suddenly realized what my own wild Jewel had felt at that moment when the buckle had closed for the first time. All the fear and emotions of that time rushed back full force, my mind reeling with the significance of what until now, had always been a childhood memory. Could I do that to Him? Could I let Him buckle that collar around my neck, let Him see the fear in my hazel eyes, the same fear that I had seen in the depths of my filly's gaze?

I closed my eyes briefly, feeling the tears running down my cheeks and my heart aching at my decision, my realization. I was a wild filly in my own right, His jewel to tame. Would I run like my Jewel had, leaving hurt, betrayal and abandonment in my wake? I wanted so badly to stay, to let Him buckle that collar to my neck and etch his initial on my heart, to look in my eyes and whisper that he owned me.

I let my daydream flow, imagining what he would say, how I would feel.

"Seri, I won't hurt you. I promise you, I will never harm you." His voice would startle me out of my thoughts, my eyes fluttering open to gaze at Him, blinking teardrops off my lashes as I choked back a sob. I wouldn't know if I was more afraid of hurting myself or hurting Him. Either way, I couldn't deny what I was, no matter how badly I wanted Him or how much I loved Him. He could never truly tame me, any more than I could have tamed my Jewel: my precious, wild Jewel. I had never seen her again, she had disappeared without a trace, leather and crystal halter buckled securely to her freedom.

His voice as always, would be quiet and reassuring, yet somehow still authoritative and demanding, invading my thoughts with His honest inquiry. His gentle words, the same words I had heard oh so long ago, that had started it all. Words that showed he understood my emotions and how to handle them without causing me to bolt. "Seri, Is this what you want?", he would ask.

I took a deep breath and settled back into reality, desperately searching my heart out for an answer that was honest to myself, yet was what I truly wished for...Oh, if wishes were horses!

I wrote the first part before I met L^....before everything I was so scared of, became reality. What follows is the end of my fear and the beginning of so much more.

* * *

I stood outside the hotel room door, taking a deep breath and just...waiting. I wasn't sure what I was waiting for, almost as if I NEEDED to be nervous, to be afraid. I had been so sure that I would feel nervous and jumpy, but I was surprisingly calm. I suddenly remembered how Jewel had been in that pen, so calm, so unconcerned, as if she belonged there. I smiled to myself and knocked on the door.

L^ answered the door and for a moment...just a short moment, neither of us said anything, neither of us moved. My eyes locked into his and I smiled slightly, the nervousness suddenly hitting me and leaving me breathless. The moment was broken as quickly as it had locked into place, and He teasingly asked me, "Can I help you?"

I faltered, flustered at the question and whispered "I'm....I'm Seri...."

He smiled and held out his hand, chiding me gently "I'm teasing, of course I know who you are." He pulled me into him and I wrapped my arms around Him, tears tickling the corners of my eyes as I buried my face into His chest. He held me for a long time, neither of us saying a word. We didn't need to. It was real.

We spent the next few hours cuddling, my body wrapped around His. I didn't trust myself to talk, I just held on tight, slowly letting Him see a bit more into my heart, into me. I answered questions with a nod or a shake of my head, my emotions sparkling in my eyes, but the words staying sealed behind my lips. For two days, we gently probed at each other, slowly prying open doors, gently fondling our feelings for each other. We needed to know we were real, that everything we had felt online existed in person. He did the same thing with me that I had done with my Jewel, showing her the halter, letting her come to me, and letting her run when things got too close, too tight. He held his heart open to me and let me come to him with reassuring touches and words now and then...never rushing, never pushing. It was oddly familiar, and comfortable. It was real.

What had taken me months...YEARS...with my own Jewel, took Him a matter of days to achieve. We would sit and He would hold me, my fingers tracing His face, exploring the depths of His eyes, memorizing the emotions I saw embedded in them. His hands warmed my bottom...His touches warmed my soul, leaving me breathless and trembling. We bonded on so much deeper of a level than either of us had hoped for or expected. It was real, OH so real, and I wanted it, craved it, needed it, desired it. Yet I kept remembering how Jewel had bolted. She had wanted so badly to stay, I had seen it in her eyes, feel it in her trembling touch. She wanted to stay because it felt good, our bond had felt wonderful, it was what both of us had wanted. So why had she bolted? I couldn't press the issue out of my mind, and it was tearing me apart. Oh I wanted to stay, I did...but I didn't know if I could. It wasn't right, to take a wild spirit and try and tame it, to claim it as your own and put something as solid as a halter...a collar...on something that was only a word yet meant so much. Freedom. What had I been thinking?

* * *

I sat on the bed getting ready for the club, half naked in a bra and panties and one stocking stretched up my leg, the velvet covered black leather cradled in my hands. The rhinestones sparkled and twinkled with each move, little stones catching the light and reflecting off everything around them. The matching cuffs were already secured to my wrists, but my neck was bare. My fingers absently stroked the soft velvet, my mind drifting as it had the last time I held the collar in my hands. I held it up to my neck, admiring the fit in the mirror....but I didn't buckle it. It was my collar, I had found it and fell in love with it a long time ago, but had never worn it. This was important to me, that he would not GIVE me something meaningful, but give something I already had, meaning. To take what I already had and make it His.

We were going out tonight to a club, and He had yet to say anything about a collar. I was glad of this, I needed the answer to come on my own time, my own terms. I wanted to walk into that club with that collar on my neck...my freedom in His hands, yet I didn't want to let go of that very same freedom. My chest tightened at the thought and the thoughts from my earlier daydreams rushed to my head. Could I let Him buckle that collar around my neck, let Him see the fear in my hazel eyes, the same fear that I had seen in the depths of my filly's gaze?

He walked in and sat on the bed, smiling at me. I felt a blush rise in my cheeks as I smiled shyly back at him. All the sudden I was ready, and blurted out the words before I had a chance to think or turn back "I have a collar Sir...do you want me to wear it to the club?"

His smile extended to his eyes, I could SEE the warmth spread as he requested to see the collar. I handed it to him, hands trembling slightly, my heart pounding. This was mine, I was giving it to Him to make it His...to make me His. He ran his fingers over the collar in the same way I had, and murmured "It's beautiful."

I smiled and nodded, my eyes wide as I watched Him. Did he even still want me now, after meeting me, I wondered? His voice was soft, strong, and honest, just as I had known it would be. He took the collar in his hands and looked into my eyes, "Seri...is this what you want? This will make everything official...are you sure?"

I took a deep breath and nodded, suddenly everything seemed so alive; I could feel my blood in my veins, I could feel my heart galloping in my chest, a sound much like the hoof beats of my wild filly racing into the horizon. My voice sounded so far away to me as I whispered my final fear. "Will you go slow?"

He gazed into my eyes, his question a statement. "Have I pushed you at all, pretty baby?"

I shook my head no; He hadn't. A nudge here and there, but never a push.

He brought the collar up to my neck, settling the soft leather around my neck and buckling it securely in the back. I let my auburn hair fall around my shoulders, keeping my eyes closed for a moment as I took a deep breath. My face flushed as I adjusted to the feeling of it around my neck. I swallowed, regained my composure, and looked at Him once again, trembling, my lips pressed to His in a kiss.

"You belong to me now, my pretty baby....all mine."

I nodded. I didn't bolt...I simply nodded.

* * *

My fingers kept roaming to my neck, and the collar buckled there. The club was dark, almost surreal, the dim light cast around the room giving everything a ghostly glow. My rhinestones twinkled, drawing eyes to my neck, my symbol of my submission. I felt so confused, my thoughts a jumble in my head. What had I done? This wasn't right, I reminded myself, you can't own a wild filly, it's WRONG. Part of me wanted to unbuckle that collar and run off, but I couldn't leave a mist of hurt and betrayal in my wake like my own Jewel had. It was too late now, I told myself, I just have to accept this and make it work.

He walked up to me and hugged me tight, and told me He wanted to flog me now. I fell into His arms with a nod, my body stiff and my stance reeking of the nervousness I felt. I realized that He most likely thought it was because of the new environment, and I didn't offer any other explanation. I couldn't. I took off my tank top and bra, spreading myself against the St Andrews Cross and resting my flushed cheek against the coolness of the wood. The flogging started out slow and sensual, luring me into a foggy start of subspace. The noisy audience behind me faded into the back of my mind, the soft leather and suedes of the flogger striking my back over and over in a soothing rhythm. I was shaking and trembling from the impact and the air against my exposed skin, my grip on the cross turning my knuckles white.

I let my mind float, embracing the space, claiming it. His words rang in my head 'You belong to me..." I was dimly aware of pause as He switched floggers, the heavy hide of the thick black leather flogger striking my back, and I gasped, but not from the impact. I suddenly realized what He had said, and tears tickled my eyes once again and the breath went out of me. The flogger kept striking my back, the heavy hide stealing what little breath I had left, and I panicked. I knew that if I fisted, He would stop, but I couldn't. I had to feel this through, make it REAL, and embrace it for what it was. I couldn't bolt, not now, not here....I needed to control the panic before it controlled me.

I BELONGED to Him. He didn't own me. Something so wild and free can never really truly be owned, not at this stage in the game; still young and full of curiosity, just like my filly. So willing to explore and try new things and not be tied down by the rules and restrictions of ownership, yet not wanting to give up the guidance and safety that went with it. Belonging to Him meant that my freedom, for all intents and purposes, was still free. He did not own me, or my freedom. He held the lead in His hand, and that lead led to my collar, but He did not own me. Ownership wasn't right for us and we both knew it. I belonged to Him, my body, my soul, my heart, my submission...but my freedom belonged to me. I was standing at His side, not kneeling at his feet, and Him at mine. That was where I belonged. It was right.

The tears flowed down my cheeks and I clung to the cross, panting as my breath came back in gasps at my realization. I had always known my Jewel could not be tamed, that no amount of love for me would make her something she was not. I did not regret trying, for the time I had had with her, could never be forgotten or regretted. I realize now she had taught me oh so much about myself. She was free, as she was meant to be...and I finally understood what I had done wrong, why she had bolted. I had tried to own her without realizing that she had already belonged to me all along. I wasn't about to make the same mistake again.

I felt His hand on my back, soothingly rubbing at my trembling muscles, feeling the warmth from the flogging rising off my flushed skin. I took a deep breath, gathering my wits. I turned to Him and hugged Him, clinging desperately in His arms, trembling, panting...submitting.

At that moment, the collaring was complete. The buckle to my submission was secured. I belonged. There would come a time when I would grow in my submission, just as I had grown in my riding ability at one time, which had led me to my Jewel. At some point I would seek out more, no longer content with what I had started out with, and that would lead me to one I would call Master. For now, I was where I belonged, with a leather and crystal collar buckled securely to my freedom.

serijules{L^}