The Girl Called Laughter

Caning and Spanking Stories copyright 1994-2000 by OldTom, all rights reserved.

This folk tale was translated from the Arabic by C.G. Campbell and first published by Ernest Benn Ltd. in 1952, no copyright notice. I added a touch of spice to the present version.

Incidentally, the name Badr, pronounced in the Arabic, sounds like "bother," which makes a nice play on words in English. A wazir is a high official or trusted advisor; "wizard" comes from the same Arabic root word. The word "harem" (pronounced hareem with a rolled "r") simply means private or forbidden. In former times the term applied to the women's quarters of a household, but the excesses of the Ottoman Empire gave it the English meaning of a private collection of wives and mistresses. In the story below, "harem" is rendered "Forbidden Apartments," to clarify that we are simply referring to the queen's domain within the palace.

Finally, you must understand that this is a folk tale, best told around a camp fire of dried camel dung, told with much gesticulation and vehemence of expression. Or told over innumerable tiny cups of coffee, in the smoky din of a tired cafe in Old Cairo. Reduced to text, it lacks life, but such is the nature of the Net.

The Story of the Girl named Laughter, who never laughed at all.

Once in former times there was a king who was without a son, and though he took to himself wife after wife no son was born to him. And one day, when the king's wife was lying on her bed awaiting the coming of a child, his wazir came into his presence and said: O our master! Come! Come! For your wife has given birth to a fine son! And the king ran and ran to the Forbidden Apartments, and he pushed aside the women and he went up to the bed, with his heart full of joy, saying: A son! Thanks be to God! But the women all laughed and said: It is not a son, but a daughter, and we called out the news to the eunuch by the door, and he called it out to your page, and your page ran to the wazir. But we cried: There is born to the wife of the king a --. And the eunuch called out in joy: A son! A son! And in this manner you learnt false news.

And the king saw that the child was really a girl, and he said: Though all of you are laughing, I am weeping. And he ordered: Let her be called Thuhook, that is to say, Laughter, for she is but a joke.

And the years passed and the girl Laughter grew to be a sweet and lovely girl. Her face was made for gazing at, her body was made for embracing and her lips for kissing; her waist looked better without a girdle sash to decorate it, and her legs looked sweeter without silken bag trousers to adorn them. But as for her voice, none knew if it was sweet or harsh, for she never spoke at all; and as for her laughter, none knew of it, for she never laughed at all. And the king was sad to see his daughter silent, and he brought wise men and doctors and philosophers to examine her, and they said: She has a tongue and she has lips and she can speak, and she knows every word of the Arabic language. But why she will not speak we do not know, for she replies to us only by writing, though in the most beautiful and decorative hand, and she will not tell us why she will not speak. And the king said: It is a punishment on me from the Most High God, for when she was born I should have said "Thanks be to God" whereas I said "She is but a joke."

And the king greatly desired that his daughter should laugh and joke and be as other girls, so he made an order and published notices saying: If any man can make my daughter laugh and talk, then I shall give her to him in marriage, and with her I shall give the governorship of a province, and when I die he shall succeed me as king, for I have no heir. But, that my daughter may not be troubled by those who try in vain, should any man try and yet fail to make her laugh and talk, then he shall be flogged with a hundred lashes and his property shall be confiscated.

And there was in that country a merchant who had three sons, and he loved his eldest son, who was named Suleiman, since he was both clever and industrious. And he like his second son, who was named Badr, since he was willing and diligent. But he hated his youngest son, who was named Fahad, since, though he was a handsome youth and clever, he never did any work. Rather, he used to go to the wells and entice the girls, and draw them into a secret place and play with them, until fathers and husbands took their swords and searched for him; but since he was clever he was never caught.

And the merchant sent for his three sons and told them of the notices issued by the king, and he said: I desire that Suleiman, who is the eldest of you, should go and make this girl laugh and talk and marry her and become king in due time; but I desire that you, Badr, and you, Fahad, should help your brother, that he may get the girl and not get a beating. And the boy Badr agreed to his father's words, but the boy Fahad said: I know more of girls than either Suleiman or Badr, therefore I should make her speak and become king. And the merchant grew angry and said: This is no affair of philandering in a ditch. This is an affair of brains and intellect, to make a king's daughter laugh by learning and intelligence.

Then the merchant ordered his three sons to go to all the philosophers and wise men in the city and to ask them for jokes such as girls laugh at, and to write down the jokes and to bring them to him. And the three brothers went out, and after a day they returned, each with a book of jokes. And the merchant commanded them to tell their jokes, saying: Refrain from laughing if you can.

And Suleiman told his joke, saying: Once there was a learned man who was writing a book. And he wrote with one eye open and the other eye closed. And men came to him and asked "Why do you close an eye?" And he replied "Would you use two lamps when one lamp does the work. I keep one eye for writing and the other for reading." And the merchant laughed and laughed till he choked and the boy Badr laughed till the breath was gone from his lungs. But the boy Fahad did not laugh. He said: Such a senile and futile joke is suitable for the old and for the decrepit and for the learned. But that is no joke for a girl needing a lover. And the merchant cursed him, saying: Cease from reminding us of your ditch-wantons and think of learned and suitable jokes for the daughter of the king.

Then the boy Badr told his joke, and he said: Once there was a scholar who was reading a book when the sun was high in the heavens, yet he kept a lighted lamp by his side. And men came to him and said "Why do you read by a lamp when your book is fully lit by the sun?" And he replied "It is a book concerning the causes and the nature of night, and is there then any sun by night?"

And the merchant laughed until hiccups came, and likewise the boy Badr laughed until his stomach hurt him, but Fahad did not laugh. He said: That is a joke to make a grey beard waggle. A girl needs a joke to make her roll with laughter, and there is no power in that joke to make her even smile.

And the merchant grew angry, and said: Cease from telling us of your ditch rollings, and tell us a noble and learned joke. And Fahad replied, saying: I can not tell you a joke suitable for a girl any more than I would decide on a joke before I had seen the girl. For, know you, girls are different and no joke and no story will ever suit every one of them. And a joke should be told with the eyes more than with the tongue, and other eyes should respond to it. And a joke may be told with the feet and with the fingers, and if my brother wants my advice it is that he keeps his tongue silent and uses his fingers to tickle her, for she will only weep at his dull wit, but it is my experience that a great number of girls laugh when you tickle them. And the merchant grew angry with his son Fahad, and he cursed him and bade him be silent.

And on the appointed day the boy Suleiman went to the palace, and he was left in a chamber, and the girl Laughter was brought into that chamber with all her ladies and serving maids. And they said to the boy Suleiman: Now make her talk and laugh, and she is yours and you will become a king. But she shall talk three times and laugh thrice. And should you fail, then we will take you for a flogging of a hundred lashes. And the ladies and girls shall be witnesses of your success or failure.

And the boy Suleiman looked at the girl Laughter, and his tongue went dry and his heart throbbed. For she was as the new moon, yet musk scented, with cheeks like peaches, and with a little mole, sweet like a pearl, in a dimple on her cheek. And the boy Suleiman thought: I must not fail, for she shall be mine.

And the boy Suleiman told the first of his stories, saying: Once there was a learned man who was writing a book. And he wrote with one eye open and one eye closed... And he told that story fully, even as you have already heard it, for he did not omit a single word. And when he had finished he started to laugh until he could no longer breathe, but the girl Laughter and all her ladies remained silent. Nor did they even smile.

And the boy Suleiman, with his heart full of fear, told his next story, saying: Once there was a scholar who was reading a book when the sun was high in the heavens, yet he kept a lighted lamp by his side. And he told the story fully without omitting any part of it, and when he was finished he started to laugh... Ha-ha-ha.. Ha-ha-ha. But the girl Laughter remained silent, though her ladies yawned.

And the boy Suleiman told story after story while the ladies wept from boredom, until finally the eunuchs and the soldiers came and threw open the doors, and they took Suleiman and chained him and led him out for a flogging of a hundred lashes.

And when they were finished with flogging Suleiman they brought him back to his house, and his father and his brothers wept. And the merchant said: Since Suleiman is not to marry the girl Laugher, then Badr shall have her. But tell us, O Suleiman, what was your mistake? And Suleiman said: I made no mistake, for I told her the funniest of stories, and all were about lamps. And so funny were they that I could scarcely talk for laughing, yet the girl and her ladies did not laugh.

Then the merchant said: Since Suleiman was unsuccessful with stories, then Badr shall tell no story; rather he will do something at which she will laugh. And the boy Fahad said: You mean he will tickle her, for that is the best thing he can do, since his wit is dull. But the merchant cursed Fahad and said: Cease from recollecting your dealings with courtesans. And the merchant commanded his sons to go to the markets and to note everything which made people laugh.

And after a day they returned to him, and Suleiman said: I saw a man walking in the bazaar, and a camel came up behind him and bit him and everybody laughed. And the merchant was pleased at the words of his son, and he said: A camel shall bite Badr. Then Badr said: I went to the market and I saw a man walking, and his thobe was caught by a nail and it tore so that he was left standing naked, and everybody laughed. And the merchant was pleased, and he said: When the camel bites you, he shall tear your thobe and you will be left standing naked. Then the merchant asked Fahad: What did you see? And Fahad replied: I went to the market but I saw nobody laugh. Then I went to the well and all the girls laughed, but you, O my father, will only curse at the joke which was between us, for your humour is not as their humour. But, since you like jokes about lamps, I suggest that Badr, when he is standing naked and bitten by the camel in front of the girl Laughter, should carry a lighted lamp in his hand, though the time is high noon. And what do you think funnier than that?

And the merchant was pleased at the words of his son Fahad, and he said: At last I know you for my son, and I see there is sense and virtue in you, though it is sometimes obscured by debauchery. And the merchant and Suleiman and Badr laughed much at the idea of the boy Fahad, and they said: When she sees the camel bite, and the thobe tear, and when she sees a lighted lamp at midday, then she will scream with laughter.

So, at the appointed time, the boy Badr went to the palace, and he found the girl Laughter sitting amongst all her ladies, and he saw her face, and he saw the mole on her cheek, nestling like a dewdrop on the petal of a rose, and his hand shook and his heart beat, and he thought: I must have her.

And Badr led in a camel, known as a vicious biter, and he turned his back on the camel, and the camel bit him well and truly in the behind. And he wore an old and rotten thobe, and when he felt the camel bite he jumped forward and the thobe tore and he was left standing naked, for he wore nothing beneath. And in his hand he carried a lighted lantern, though the time was midday and the sun shone.

And he waited for the laughter of the girl and of her ladies, but no laughter came. Rather, they were yawning and weeping from very boredom. And the soldiers came and chained him and led him away for a flogging. And when they were finished with flogging him, he returned to his home, and his father and his brothers grieved to see him come.

And the merchant was sad, and he said: Now no son of mine will ever be king. But Fahad said: It is my turn now, and I want no help from you my father or from you my brothers, for this is a job which I understand properly, so much so that I have no doubt of success. And the merchant cursed him, saying: How can one so depraved as you are succeed where your noble brothers have failed?

But Fahad went to the palace and he craved an audience with the king, and he said: O my master! I will make your daughter laugh and talk, and I want no witness of it, for she herself will freely admit it when I have finished with her. But I want to meet her when she is alone in a garden at night, sitting beneath a lamp, for, it appears, jokes about lamps are considered most suitable for her.

And the king agreed to the words of Fahad, and on the appointed night he went to a lonely garden, and he saw the princess sitting beneath a lamp under a tree.

And Fahad went up to the princess and saluted her saying: Peace be upon you! But she returned him no answer. Then Fahad looked up at the lamp, and he said: Peace be on you, O lamp! And how are you tonight, O lamp? But the lamp gave him no answer. Then Fahad said: I see you are angry tonight, O lamp. And I know why you are angry, because your mistress has put you so high up in the tree. But do you know why she has done this? It is because she does not want your light to fall too brightly on her cheeks, since her loveliness is from a paint box, not from nature. Therefore you are as silent as your mistress, that silly girl, who remains silent because her voice is as harsh as a crow's cackle.

And the girl Laughter grew angry, and she said: Are you mad to talk to a lamp, for how can a lamp answer you? And my cheeks are real and not painted! And my voice is sweet! And Fahad replied to her: Remember that you have spoken once. And I talked to the lamp because it was no more silent than you were before. And the girl Laughter said: I have to speak three times and laugh three times, or you will get the thrashing you so richly merit. But Fahad said: Remember that now you have spoken twice. And the girl bit her lip and remained silent.

Then Fahad said to her: If your cheeks are not painted, then is that little mole real or of plaster? But the girl remembered and she gave him no answer. Then Fahad gripped her in his arms and lifted her up, and he pressed his lips to her cheek. And she cried out in alarm: Let me go! Let me go! And Fahad said: I was just seeing if that little mole could be licked off. And remember that you have spoken three times.

Then Fahad put her down on the couch, and he reached up with his hand and turned down the wick of the lamp until the flame was the size of a match head, and he sat down beside her and said: What is it that a man and a girl can do when they are alone in the garden, and the light is dim? And the girl Laughter sprang up in alarm, and she said: Remember I am a princess. But Fahad laughed and pulled her back on the couch, saying: Why, it was nothing. What did I say? I asked what they can do. The answer is, of course, that they can talk, the one to the other. But what was in your mind that you became frightened of me? And the girl Laughter did not answer him, but she laughed a single laugh.

Then the boy Fahad said to her: But a man and a girl can talk standing and they can talk walking. But what is it that they can do in the dark on a beautiful couch such as this couch is, long and soft and comfortable, and what is it for which they must have a couch? And the girl Laughter started in alarm, and she tried to rise, but Fahad held her firmly, and she said: Stop! Stop! I am the king's daughter! And Fahad replied and asked her: But what did I say? I asked why they needed a couch, and what else would they need it for but for sitting on? But what was in your mind that you grew fearful?

And the girl Laughter did not reply to him, and she remained silent. But she laughed twice.

And at that very moment the lamp, which had only been glowing as a match head, gave a pop-pop-pop and went out. And Fahad said: It is in my thoughts that the lamp does not wish to see the answer to that question which I have just asked you twice, and which you did not answer.

And the girl Laughter laughed for the third time, and she went on laughing until the laughter came out of her ears. Fahad took a sandal in his hand, and the girl Laughter made to jump up in alarm. But she was spent in laughing, and the boy Fahad held her tight. Fahad laughed in his turn, and he said: One of us shall receive the thrashing the king your father decreed, but who shall it be? And Fahad drew the princess across his legs, preparing to thrash her with his sandal. The girl Laughter cried out: I am the king's daughter! And she called for the guards and her ladies. And Fahad laughed and laughed, and wielded the sandal until the guards laid hands upon him, binding him in chain. And the princess laughed anew at his plight.

Then Fahad saluted the guards, saying: Peace be upon you. Behold the princess Laughter, for she has spoken, and she has laughed, and she has herself delivered the proof into your hands! And the guards stifled their own laughter whilst they removed the chains, and conducted him to the king.

And when Fahad and Laughter were married, and when he had become a governor of a province and the heir of the king, his brothers and his father went to him and they saluted him with great respect and asked: But how did you make her laugh?

And Fahad answered them, saying: My brothers tried to make her laugh with lighted lamps in daylight, but I made her laugh with an unlit lamp at night. And he told his father and his brothers the entire story, from start to finish, and he did not omit a single word.

Then Fahad sent for his wife the princess, and saluted her, saying: Peace be upon you. The girl Laughter returned the salute with the sparkle of laughter in her eyes, and she said: And upon you peace, O my husband the prince and heir of my father's kingdom.

And Fahad sat her beside him. He reached up his hand and turned down the wick of the lamp until the flame was the size of a match head. He said: My father, and my brothers, shall see the answer to that question I have asked you twice under the lamp, and which you did not answer. And the lamp gave a pop-pop-pop and went out, and the princess said: Perhaps I shall answer, O my husband, but no-one shall see!

Then Fahad asked the question for the third time: What is it that a man and a girl can do in the dark on a beautiful couch such as this couch is, long and soft and comfortable, and what is it for which they must have a couch? And the wife Laughter made no reply.

Then Fahad pulled his wife across his legs whilst removing his sandal, and answered saying: The man can finish the thrashing she so richly deserves! And the father and all three brothers laughed and laughed in the dark, and even the princess Laughter joined in the joke, laughing until she cried.

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